You’ll soon hear she’s seriously sick, that her final diagnosis is maniacal depression. She’ll be in the psychiatric department. She’ll be pretending like she’s taking meds, but she’s using the pills to complete your mosaic image on the wall behind the wardrobe. “scratch him off, JUST SCRATCH HIM OFF OF YOUR MIND GOD DAMN IT”. “ I can’t …I can’t I can’t I can’t” echoes. …blood on her teeth, neurotic scream “FUUUCCKK”.

…I had a strange dream last night. that rooster was black, and while he was spiting his chicken sperms into his hens’ assholes I could see his tits. then he got of that poor creature and shrugged off her feathers. he was a kinky one. ..had huge spurs and a whip, black leather instead of feathers. I was his friend but I still let him make me bleed. And I bled …and bled …and bled.
I’m done being nice. my schizophrenic tendencies are there to spread their ribs when I feel alone. I don’t care about you, I don’t care about outside factors, I’m a free spirit and I don’t give a damn if this freedom is not seen in my behavior. outside factors are depriving only for those who let them be depriving. I care about my spine, my lungs, my blood circulation. you can’t break me because you don’t exist. your very strength is my acceptance of it, …you’re so weak.
I’m a poor one, though I don’t pity myself for a moment. the world my parents’ hormones placed me in can’t contain me and spits me out. too bad for the world.
I wasn’t meant to be born. that’s my primal strength.
Schizophrenia! here I come.

snow man’s penis. old farts’ sex. sex . sex. SEX goddamn it! pianist’s fingers. bring your lenses closer to my knees while I’m straddling over my double bass. make railroad out of my backbone. I’m a nest without a hymen. Spider’s knuckles. stab her colorless eyes with a fork! sew up her holes, …nah, leave the mouth alone_ prisoners might enjoy it.
Placeless ‘I love you’ and
Fuck off.

P.S. gotta love me.

...And I still stay as just a ring on your middle finger.





(God, make all these doubts go away)

If you’re using me as one more brick to your happiness then . . .just be careful, don’t trap over me, ‘cause I’m a big, old, wrinkly root of an oak tree breaking free from my motherland.
If you’re neglecting me for justifying your masochistic tendencies, you’re contradicting yourself. then no more word about happiness. then you’re expelled from the coalition of sunflower people. and I’m there to understand you.
If the needs and joys of your unborn children make you sweat in your nightmares, please just try to make all that come out as a scream. and no skin (or no curly head) beside you will tell you it was just a nightmare.
If you’re “deepening” our intimacy by hanging white clothes in between our distance, then I’m a pantomime actress. Is this what you want?
If an effort of smashing you down would make you want to run away from it, you’re never free. If you don’t see a shelter made of flesh and blood and mentality of you lover, you were born to despise yourself and you’re running away from it . . .though in vain_ you can’t see.

you pick unordinary, make ordinary out of it and let it turn into unordinary itself again. and it worships you as a result of going through that circle. it’s just like that very first way _ . . .it’s just like that airless pressure of your mothers uterus tightening over your plumpy head.

I am what makes you want to be happy.
I am the reason why you want to neglect.
I am the mother of your unborn children.
I am your intimacy.
I am your shelter.
I am unordinary never having to worship you.

See me. . .

would you give up your love if doing so got you to your happiness? my aunt always used to tell me: " you are happier if you go with the man who loves you than with the one you love". i never undesrtood her, i thought i never really needed to. "that's a really Georgian thing for a woman to do"_i used to tell myself being more than damn sure of my lover's feelings. well, i guess life is all about trying everything, and my time's ticking. Gotta get myself moving faster, enjoying the curse of every stair I i step over. heh... makes me smile that i'm more than able to do it. Konstantine questioned once why i was pretending to be such a helpless child, why my whole body was crying out for a protection from a strong man like him whenever i was with him. i only now realize_ .... God! he believed in me. he's seen me as i was. it always hurm me though to listen to him teaching me stuff. i hated him for being so unreasonably proud to just tell me things. what's with men and construction anyway? (oh, my bad, what's with me and teachers?)...it's like ...breaking me. i am constructed already, you greedy peasant! ...but wasn't that where he was leading me to back then? _to make me realize he saw me as i was, that he believed in me? damn it, then change your way of "making me realize", it's breaking me. ...never mind *breath slowing down* none of these matter any more. i'd rather spend/use the time i've left on something that;s ahead of me rather than rebuilding the old templpe from the burnt walls that's left from it. and then i read in this book: "even a builing that burns to the ground will have a few surviving timbers that can still bear wieght" ...*laughs* yea, makes me laugh.
what;s the true value of an arrow? ...heh, i'll know when i land, i'll know when i die.
and i just answered my question.
i started! there's no turning back.

ui xo martla, ...dghes botanikurshi rom viyavi, erti patara toti egdo gzaze da rom davxede patara gulebi esxa... gavtbi. tan dzalian satutebi iyvnen. 3ve camovighe saxlshi magram, marto erti momyva. ...danarchenebi gaichyliten. heh. ...ra suleli var.

ki batono. i'm human. da ver vitan amas, am admianurobas, imdens moitxoven shengan! ar sheidzleba cifruli rom viyo? ha? ar sheidzleboda? ...adamianebi. Learn to say NOOOOOOO, God damn it! ai ase, ubralod, ...ara! da morcha! shenc cxovreba gagiadvildeba, da matac. hm. eg ki ara da shens gverdit mcoli adamianis gaghvidzebac ar shegidzlia. aaaaaaaaahhhhhh! adeqi da gaaghvidze!!! esrole balishi, sabani gadahxade, an rame utxari, an... Ghmerto! ...nutu jer kidev bavshvobis travmas vishusheb da ver vxvdebi rom ar momishushdeba?! meshinia rom es uazrod ghrma siyvaruli gadmomeghvreba shemtxvevit da amas xalxi gaeqceva. ( xo, xalxi! da aravin tqvas xalxis dedaco!) ...da mere? hm! aaaahhaaaa! sicarielis geshinia! arafris geshinia, tvalebghia, tetri arafris! amitomac atareb shavebs ase xshirad? hm! ...carieli furclis geshinia. rogorc xelovnebis mascavlebeli, Mrs Culver i getyoda xolme_ araferia cariel furcelze uaresio! da amitomac hqmnidi qaoss im araferze ase nevrotulad. wow. so there we go! esec davadginet! ...magram, ... srulyofilebisken scrafvashi (qvecnobier scrafvashi) tkivils amxela roli ratom aqvs?! ...ho, eg martalia rom martivi arasodes vyofilvar. verc viqnebi. ...ver vitan vardisfers. mezizgheba vardisferi, mezizgheba scori trasa Chicagodan Grand Rapidsamde mimavali, ...ver vitandi mag trasas, es imas hgavda ai, ...midixar araferze. da ert pozashi xar, sachec ert pozashi gaqvs, ...titqos arc moqmedeb, ...titqos arc cocxlob. chemi amerikeli mamac sul imaze cucunebda ra mosacyeni iyo im trasaze manqanis tareba. ...ra mosacyenia sicocxle roca yvelaferi martivia. ...ar mesmis am qartvelebis. rogor cxovroben ase, ...araferze?! hehe, da amaze kidev sul is momdis gonebashi, ...chemi nafantaziebi_ erti gamxdari, aferisti imereli midis tav-kiser gaertianebul amerikel Texaseltan da eubneba "cota adrenalini gadmomisxi raa"o. da mere kidev gaixedav, gatendeba da vighac "cxovreba gamovlili, naghdi mamulishvili" gadmodgeba molasavit da gahkivlebs : 'ah kaco, qartvelebi unikaluri xalxi vart!' martalia! arian! rogor sheudzliat aset araferze cxovreba?!
eh!
so, aq ra gvaqvs? mdaa, Kevinic cavida samsaxurshi, 'love you, honey'o momadzaxa da cavida. mteli ghame vmushaobo. hmmm! mteli ghame... raghacas mimalav xo, Mister Cool ..er Hot Guy? ...heh! ghmerto, ra banaluri var. chemive naceris cakitxva ar momindeba.
amitom _ Love you too, dear. Take a good care of yourself.

me imas vigheb rasac vimsaxureb. yvelaferi kanonzomieria. vmorchileb am cesrigs!

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